An Island Birth

*Whew* five weeks have gone by fast. We've had our game faces on recovering, cleaning, adjusting, trying to sleep and smooch on our babes. Adjusting to farm style family life is a full time job, and it's A LOT more work then we anticipated, but we're here and we are working hard to make it happen. There's much more involved in the short five weeks we have grown this family but that can be saved for another time. For now, let's just enjoy the story of the most perfect dream birth I was able to experience as my beautiful island boy came earth side.

I originally wrote this right after the birth, so I'm going to leave it as is, when I was in total newborn bliss.

It's been four days since our family grew to four. I've been at our cabin resting and healing and soaking up all the newborn sweetness I can before the chaos settles in. Blake has been off work at the cafe, though always doing farm work, and has been keeping us fed and healthy, while having good bonding time with Kingston as they harvest and work together. We're slowly working out a new routine, until it all switches up again.

Right now it is Sunday afternoon, both boys are sleeping, Blake is finally taking some down time and I'm going to try to write out this whirlwind of a birth story. The rain comes and goes during the day along with the sunshine. Right now it is quiet and dark. The coquis frogs are chirping and the birds are talking. We took a little walk to the laundry room and got a few sun rays on us. We've been talking names today...

On Tuesday night I knew I was having contractions, but they weren't severe enough or close together so I slept through them. When we were up around 7am I started timing them, knowing they were consistent. I hung with King at the cabin, waiting for Blake to come back from the kitchen. I kept timing them and notified our midwife, Jackie, that I felt it would be today. She said good, and to keep her updated. I waddled down through two contractions to the kitchen to tell Blake. He was surprised and excited. He gave me a bowl of gardenias he had picked and was going to get the pots for boiling water for the tub. I waddled back up to the cabin and smelt those gardenias every step. I cleaned up a little and folded some laundry (that eventually got ignored for the next two days.) We have our cabin next to another small office space that I was able to claim for my birthing room. I have been nesting and prepping for this birth by making that space a calm, loving and organized environment so I would feel taken care of during my labor and delivery. Everything about that room, the pretty tapestry, greens I had picked, lighting, baby things, my birth affirmations, the birth kit and supplies set up, and the sunshine through the screened in windows was perfect in those last moments. I read and re-read my affirmations as they hung over the window. I watched a show on my iPad as I sank into the warm water in the new horse trough we had got and brought in that morning. My essential oil blends I made specifically for this time were on the window sill. I took a picture of the tub and notified family we were filling it. My phone was charged and ticking away, timing my contractions. They were close together but around 30 seconds long. I guess I was waiting for them to be longer before my mind told me to rush everyone. I told my friend Alexa we weren't in a rush, but to come soon. She was my girl for things we needed in the kitchen or hanging with King. We weren't sure if he or I would want him there in those birthing moments. At some point Blake came and got Kingston and took him to the kitchen to prep more things. The guys had harvested, drained and scooped out coconuts for me to have. Blake came up to pour more boiling water in the tub one last time, then headed back down. 

The hot water was so perfect, and the contractions became harder and more intense. One of the ladies from the midwife's office called asking how I was. I could barely manage to tell her. She said they were on their way. I went outside to go to the bathroom when it had hit me that I might be having this baby on a bucket, outside, in the jungle alone. Blake and Kingston came around the corner just then with the sweetest smiles but so unaware of what was happening it was ((almost)) funny. Through some gritty tears I told Blake this was it and made it into the tub. He didn't know what to do before I told him I couldn't make those decisions anymore and was taken over by my body telling me to push. He got Jackie on the phone and over speaker, in the car on the highway to us, she talked us through what was going to happen next, that we were going to have this baby without her and that we could do it. There was a second where we could have panicked but honestly I didn't care, I knew I could do it and we would be ok. What I was more afraid of was the pushing lasting much longer because it was so powerful and I knew I would be depleted soon. I remember Blake asked if I wanted coconut and I was so ready for some nutrition at that point, but there was no time... 

With Kingston at the edge of the tub, telling me, "it's ok, Mama, I'm here, it'll be ok" and Blake talking it through with Jackie on the phone and telling me I got this, that I am strong enough, the baby will slide out, I managed two pushes. Then Jackie asked me to feel for the head. I felt the hair and with the next  push, half the head came through. This part was the worst as I had to wait there for the next contraction. On my knees in the water I pushed his head out and and my water broke. I grunted to get the rest of him out but Jackie knew what I was doing and told me to wait for the next one, to let my uterus do its thing. In that moment I felt the head, ears and neck as I waited for my body to take over. Between these contractions everything quieted, I looked at Blake and breathed. The next one came in fierce and he twisted and came out in the water. I rolled him over in my hands and brought him up to my chest. Crying and laughing and kissing, Blake and I were in awe that just happened. He suctioned the airways out as I managed to get out a cry to know baby was breathing. Blake looked and said "it's a boy" with a big smile right in my ears, it was a sweet moment to finally find out who had been growing in me for so long. Jackie ran in, sliding on her knees, with a huge grin, "you did it!" 

We laughed a little with the rush of adrenaline and shock and celebration and then got right into the next part of it all. Blake and King cut the cord. Then Alexa took King to town for dinner and the park. Blake managed skin to skin with him while I got taken care of and settled into the rest of the afternoon. We called family and then finished a movie (when King is away you soak up any adulting) and then reflected on the day. Alexa and King came back and we got to decompress and discuss things with him. He was wild and not sure, but that's expected. I'm so proud of how he was there for me and I don't remember him loosing his cool at all. He felt so old and wise in those moments.

Since then King has been nothing but gentle and sweet to baby brother. He's still wild when baby isn't in his line of sight, but I'm so thankful King has been so sweet. He's loving having jobs with Blake around the farm during the last few days. Having a home birth definantly is the way to go, but it does mean there's LOTS to clean up right from the first day. I knew from having Kingston at home, in a house with an attached bath, washer and dryer, and Grandma and Grandpa, that it was a lot of work for Blake to be the one to be on clean up, food, and emotional support duty. But now we are a little off grid, living in a community of young workers, on a farm with no family around. We have one community washing machine and a compost toilet near our community kitchen. We have managed with a bathroom bucket for me, a cooler for snacks and loads of laundry washed and hung dry during the last three rainy days. Friends have stopped by with some food and goodies we needed. Blake's working so hard to be there for me and to also be there for the farm, all while cleaning up, navigating Kingston, and harvesting, prepping and delivering my food. I'm so thankful for his hard work and his dedication to this lifestyle amd this family and his strength in knowing we could handle this kind of birth. 

Two will be hard. But before those days really settle in I am able to heal and bond with my baby. I can't  believe my dream birth happened and we are all safe and taken care of. I am so in awe of the power baby had to be here and the power I now know I have to get through. I also am so thankful for the friends we've made here who've encouraged us and allowed us to be our true selves. The community we have found has been there for us when we needed and are understanding when times are changing. Being away from our family during this is hard and we don't mean to keep these precious moments from them. I'm thankful for technology these days, that's for sure! King thinks every phone call is FaceTime and wants to show the phone around the kitchen and farm. He takes Grandma on the swing and Uncle Tony on pretend tractor rides. The will be challenges we will face with this growing family on our own, but we have friends here who are willing to help out, and family and friends at home who are always there for us to lean on. 

By now, finishing this, it's a beautiful Monday morning and we have soaked up some sunshine, given baby a bath, given King fifty things to do already, scrubbed the front porch, and cleaned up around our cabin (which is never ending, good thing we don't have more space!)

I'm feeling great, except for some stitches healing and being up most of the night, but it is my greatest joy to go through birth and newborn exhaustion days in order to have these two boys to learn and grow from. I'm beyond blessed at the outcome of this pregnancy and delivery and so proud of my little family for staying strong and encouraging through it all. 

Five weeks after this amazing day, we have been through a lot, as most of you know. I don't always mean to not share the hard times, the confusing trials, and the tough days, but for the most part I like to remember the good times as I look back at the memories I share via social media and this blog. Real life has hit me harder during this time then ever before. I know that has a lot to do with the fact that two pieces of my heart are outside of my body, given to the world to mold and shape them. It has a lot to do with parenting with a lover who sees things differently not only from the majority of our family and friends but also from me at times. It has a lot to do with living on a farm where every day tasks are much harder and drawn out, making sure our intentions are very specific for living this way. It has a lot to do with my emotions as I navigate post partum. It has a lot to do with the scary journey  we just took to find out why our newborn was sick, and how to help him with the recourses we have. It has a lot to do with that I still feel very much like a new parent, to this newborn and to my ever evolving and boundary pushing, smart and absorbent toddler. As reality has set in this last month, I look back at this birth with such thankfulness and amazement. It reminds me of the love my family has for me. It reminds me of the strength and determination I have in myself. It reminds me of the love the island gave me in enjoying the way Reign came earthside. Today, as I sit with my two boys at the café, and Blake makes us lunch, and I just want to cry because even coming to town has it's trials at every corner, I needed to reread what I wrote when we were so close to that magical morning. And to be thankful for everything that has come my way, not only in this last year, but with all the choices we have made so far, right or wrong, easy or hard. 

An Island Pregnancy

When I left Colorado to seek out an island life with my lover and son, I had not quite dreamt of a future pregnancy. I was trying to find a safe place for us to live and work. I wanted to find community and health and a place of growth. I wanted to learn my value in the things I did as well as the things I was able to offer. I worked hard through tough times, new parenthood, and the constant navigating of my relationship. I managed to see that perseverance pays off here. I felt the feminine energy run through me as we explored the island even more. I felt the honor in having a family. I saw the love it takes to grow food from the ground up. I observed those around me in their own journies to motherhood and through growing a tribe. When I saw this and felt this, I knew I wanted to have a baby here, to experience the natural beauty of growing another person inside me while surrounded by plant medicines, sunshine, finally the ocean, and women who blow my mind with their own strength and beauty on the daily, as they walk their own paths. 

In February we became pregnant and kept it to ourselves for almost two months. We enjoyed knowing and giving one another a look, knowing the depth of change we are about to embark, as well as feeling the unity in our own little family though we were so far from any other family. Finally the time came to tell the farm crew so we could navigate what that meant for us. They were so delighted and supportive, it was almost surprising. We knew things on the farm change so quickly so we waited a while longer to even talk about where to give birth. We found a wonderful midwife in town; I knew right away she'd be the one because she was forthcoming, informative, and has the same passion in her "foul" language as I do, so I knew she'd be great to have at the birth. 

We waited for Kingston's second birthday before announcing. I think it was Mother's Day when we announced with a farm family picture. It only seemed fitting to celebrate on that day. Mothers and their strength is not something to take advantage of or to overlook. My own capabilities, as well as my mother's and grandmother's, aunts, friends, mother in law, sister in law, is so encouraging and comforting and powerful. The miracle of life is more and more precious to me as I continue down this path. Survival of early parenthood is a struggle, a blessing, a challenge, a lesson in reflection of my own goods and bads. It's something you can never be prepared enough for, nor should we be. 

The love and care needed from the very first second of existence is wonderfully present everywhere I look, living and working on this farm. From the soil on up, is the only way anything will not only survive, but flourish and thrive. From the foundation, to the sunlight, to the rain, to the patience and care it takes to get life going. But then I am reminded that stepping away, letting the keikis do their thing, trust in their own determination to survive on their own terms, is a big lesson I am learning.

As plants are being harvested and reborn, as cows are growing and birthing their own calves, as individual lives come here and start fresh, I am also growing, mentally, spiritually and physically.

My beautiful, fellow young mother friend, Liana, offered to take some maternity photos of me. She knows the land and has grown up on the islands, so I trusted her to make this mountain girl feel at home in my new tropical home. We managed time away from our boys for an early morning shoot on the property she lives on. The bamboo garden on the way to the waterfall is so mesmerizing and comforting. The clear cold waterfall is so refreshing and energizing, even through the sprinkling weather. I was able to channel the energy the land was offering me and managed a few good poses. Being on this island, where they treasure and admire a woman's nautural beauty and strength, it was easier for me to embrace my own feminine beauty. I also wanted to be straight forward in my appearance as I was about to embark on my 30th birthday. I want to remember this time in my life for the raw beauty, health and abundance that I have been given this last year. 

Colorado in August

It's been a few months since I've been able to have the time/wifi/energy to recap our Colorado visit! But here I am, at The Sweet Cane Café, on wifi, with a new laptop, next to a sleeping toddler, who really should be waking up so we aren't up till 11pm tonight, downloading pictures of family and friends from our mountain home state and remembering the whirlwind of the two weeks we were able to have before this new addition arrives. If I'm lucky, I can get back on here before baby #2 arrives (any day now, really.)

I'm in the middle of (my nice way of saying balls deep in) toddler world. Two is so contradicting emotionally. Each day this boy blows my mind in all the good ways and the all the miserable ways. How do moms do it? I ask myself this question every day, with the conclusion that the moms on social media who have a career, or girls nights out, or even have makeup on MUST have nannies! It's the only way to manage toddlers, pregnancy, relationships, blogging, grocery shopping, errands, laundry... But for real. How do they do it? My mom told me when I was venting to her, "it's not a rewarding job, Mel, and you're never doing it right, you're surviving." Haha, thanks Mom for the realism. My best friend left me a voicemail (and this is why I love her) saying, "it's f*ing hard. Toddlers plus newborns are so hard. You'll cry everyday, the guilt, the yelling, the exhaustion. But one day, it'll change and things will switch, and you'll move into the next stage." And I'm telling my mom friend here, who has a two year old, "just wait, get theough two, then see if you want another." Haha. The honesty of these people keeps me going. Not the "perfect" lives of the moms on social media who have regular date nights, glistening hair, non-stained cute clothes, and cheery, happy looking toddlers all the time. Yeah RIGHT! I call bullshit on your make-believe lives.

ANYWAYS, Colorado was amazing. Amazingly hard, exhausting, trying. But amazingly fulfilling. Blake's mom called us one day and discussed the possibility of us coming home, so we could see our friends and family before this baby arrives and we really loose out on an easy(ier) trip back home. I cried when she brought this up as an opportunity for us. And these emotions (though deep in pregnancy) told me that I needed it. I needed to hug my parents, laugh with my friends, see King's cousins... to fill my cup with Colorado mountain sunsets and dry air. I was down right then to make the trip and sacrifice right when we really couldn't afford it, and should be thinking about midwife payments. Blake needed convincing. He's such a hard worker and knows that we need to show the farm and café we are dedicated to this life and being here. Eventually his mom and I agreed to just get him a ticket. And of course the people we work for were more then understanding. We do work hard to stay here, and they know we love it here, and our hearts are in the right place to be living on the farm and working for the café for a little bit of income. So to take time off for this opportunity was truly a no-brainer. 

The time finally came to board the plane for our long overnight flight to the mainland. All the prepping and packing and scheduling I did (really, to just ease my anxieties) was put to the test. I still can't decide if my planning is all worth it or not, maybe I'll never know, but for now, it's what I do. We had bags and bags and bags of entertainment and comforts and snacks for King (and us.) I learned that overnight flights aren't for us, it was exhausting. King is so interested in the things going on around him and feeds into all the energy, so this just created for a really long night of entertaining a toddler. But eventually we made it! It felt so good to see my Mom and brother when they picked us up. We then went to Blake's parents house and rested. I love being up at their place because it's quiet and beautiful, but really it's because it's where I first became a mother. We had our Kingston in that house and spent the next year and a half there, learning, growing, working and planning our next life move. I love that King felt so comfortable there right from the beginning. He looked for Grandma and Grandpa all the time, just wanting to be with them. The quiet moments were so rewarding.

Two weeks isn't long enough, I have decided. I need like a month next time, to adjust to the travel, time change, things going on. But we managed to do most of the things we wanted, and saw so many people we wanted to. We stayed at my mom's new house with her new husband for a few nights. It was my first time meeting Micheal and I'm happy to see my mom happy and taken care of. They are establishing a new life together and being so far away, when I know she misses her oldest child (lol) it's good to see she is settled into this next phase of her life. We stayed with my Dad in Breckenridge for a night along with soaking up a few visits and good conversation and even have a night where we showed him and my siblings how to make homemade sushi and watched 'Moana.' We spent Blake and his brother's birthday in Keystone with friends. We celebrated both of our Mom's birthdays. I was able to visit with a few girlfriends who just had their first babies, and moms who are also moving on to baby number two. We were able to have a party for us and to celebrate new baby on the way. We spent much needed time with King's cousins (his favorite part of the trip.) We were able to visit with Blake's cousins as they drove through Colorado and stayed with Shawn and Mary. I went on an early morning solo hike which I'll never forget, as a baby deer walked along the path with me. We ate at the places we missed, and drove down streets full of memories. My cousin and aunt flew from Georgia to see us at my grandparent's house. My Nana treated us to club level at a Rockies game. Blake had time to visit with his grandma. We played with cousins at the park and friends at their houses. We did not see everyone we wanted to, but that just means we have a lot of people we love in Colorado. Next time... more time! 

The grocery shopping solidified that we made the right choice to move to a place we could learn how to grow our own food. And we knew that was going to happen, which is a blessing. We knew we wanted to go home to be with everyone we miss and who've always supported our adventures. But we also knew going would help us be more thankful and grateful we made the move and constant sacrifices to live and work on a farm in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. We missed the farm food so much. Our bodies have adjusted to real, local, poison free, grown with love, highly nutritious foods. Going back to only grocery items broke our bank and our energy. When I came back to Hawaii seven months pregnant I was anemic. I knew I wasn't getting the vitamins and minerals I needed, even though we tried and we still ate clean, vegan, home cooked meals for the majority of the two weeks. So I needed to work harder to get back to a healthier state to end this pregnancy. But it was such a good learning experience on the value of nutrition, store bought or not. To actually see, in such a short amount of time, the lack of nutritiously dense foods available to the public was heartbreaking. We are so lucky to be where we are. And so sad it (or some version of it) isn't available, of course unless you're looking and willing. BUT we did enjoy the places we used to eat at like Duca's Pizza, Jun's Sushi, Chipotle and the Burrowing Owl. One of my oldest friends made us a delicious vegan meal when we went to visit her, which was so loving on her part. We both knew we'd have to make sacrifices and the food was the hardest part. But it's ok, we did our best and we learned and we ate and we moved on! 

Grandma reading to King as he soaks his feet and grubs on a salad. The week before we left King caught Hand, Foot and Mouth and though it was a nightmare, he was not contagious the day before our flight! *whew* 

Blurry but they had to be touching him in the car. 

Coming back to Hawaii was such a trip. Man, it's a long trip with a toddler and fear-of-flying lover! We picked up some goodies for the guys on the farm and were welcomed back with so much love, it was wonderful to feel. Flying in this time we had friends and a home to go to. Last time we had NO IDEA what we were doing! So it was nice this time to be in a better spot, one we've worked for and found works for us. The time change coming back allowed me to get a better handle on King's "earlier bed times and more established naps. (He's dropping those naps but we are managing some quiet time during the middle of the day at least, and getting to bed at a decent time.) 

Now we are just waiting for our addition to grace us with their wrinkly toes and newborn wisdom. 

No trips planned right now. 

But this just means you all need to come to the Big Island for a visit!!

 Dream Big Ride Far