Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Colorado

A letter to those who helped me out in the last few months, 

Thank you. 

I usually have explanatory words for how I feel during big moments in my life. But as I search for the right ones now, I come up blank. No words can describe how thankful I am to you. But my heart expands in my chest when I think about the love that was given. 

Starting with Reign’s birth, and especially after he was sick, I asked for help in different ways to those who were willing to reach their hands out to me. From financial gifts, to grocery runs, to doing my laundry, to bringing medicine and soup, to lending showers, to watching Kingston, to doctor appointment moral support visits, to loaning cars, to late night texts, to simple encouragements on facebook, to airport rides, to bribing my toddler to get on the plane, to crashing on beds, to watching a movie together, to binging on pizza guilt free, to sharing a glass of wine, to never ending patience, to lending a much needed ear or offering advice... it was all beyond what I anticipated. 

The last four months have been challenging to say the least. But coming out of it now, settling back into being a family on a farm in Hawaii, I can look back at it knowing I have chosen my tribe well. The people in my corner, whether it be my home now, or in the past, rallied together to help me and my boys get through. 

I am eternally grateful. And I love you. 


I look a these pictures, taken by my dear friend Kelsie, the day before we ended our long trip in Colorado, and I see newly realized strength. I see two boys, whom I don’t deserve, looking at me for guidance and love. I see a woman with crows feet and more experience in those eyes then years before. I see two gifts given to me, and that I am growing stronger for. I see a mama learning how to to break, and also learning to stand tall. I see smiles and laughter. 

But I know it took a lot of teamwork and distractions in order to get these beautiful pictures. 

Which is a true testament to how I’m living my life these days. I’m needing teamwork and lots of distractions to get through. And I’m ok with that. It’s worth it. 













































💋




Saturday, January 20, 2018

Reign's Health Journey

Disclaimer to my long posts: I write out these longs posts so that way I can look back to see how far we've come, or to remember my thought process, or to not forget the things we go through as a family. To those who read through them, hopefully you are now updated and have a small insight to where we are at as a family. Also because it takes me forever to get anything down these days. 



The last three months feels like three years worth of emotions and decisions and change. And we can manage a lot of change in a three years span. 

The first week with Reign we were on cloud nine. The previous year of adjusting, learning and falling in love with our lives on the farm in Hawaii had created a seemingly good foundation before expanding our family. There were small trials, but they seemed manageable in those first few days. Blake was working so hard to keep Reign and I nourished and he was working on the land or in the kitchen with Kingston during the day so we could get some naps in. My beautiful newborn filled my heart so much more then I anticipated. King's love for him was even more overwhelming. The first few visits from friends was comforting. We were so proud of the birth we experienced and so in love with our newest family edition. 

But when Reign was twelve days old we took him to see our naturopathic doctor/midwife because we were a nervous about his breathing. She said she could hear some fluid in his lungs and recommended we go to the ER for a quick x-ray. We debated it because we were so hesitant to be invasive, but came to terms with it and wanted to know how he's doing. That first ER visit in Hilo was a nightmare. So many things were wrong with how they treated us, we fought our way out, shaking mad and surprised at how bad it got. We did get the x-ray and they said they could see a small blur on his lower left lung. But at the time they wanted to grab him for three days and do a spinal tap, without any discussion as to realities of what his issues could be, they were aggressive and accusatory which made us very uncomfortable and scared. We decided to take a few baby steps before we got to that point so we left. It was a rough night processing what had happened and how to further take care of Reign. We took him in for blood tests that week. Being parents who wanted the very least invasive things done to our babies, the needles for the blood work and his cries were so hard on us. 

I forget now if it was this first test or if we did another to make sure his numbers were consistent, but by Thanksgiving we were on our way to the ER in Waimea because the natro doctor called late the night before and said he didn't look good. She couldn't tell exactly, but that there were very concerning things about his numbers and we needed more help. She called Seattle Pediatrics and Oahu Pediatrics for guidance and knowledge. They both said they couldn't see anything specific but that his numbers were quite unusual. With this information, and discussing it through, we decided to go to the ER in Waimea. It was a quiet forty minute drive north. We were hoping going to this hospital would give us more peace and understanding. They were much kinder to us in regards to our parenting. They did another X-ray and found he was ok. They looked at his blood work and said there were a few things like jaundice but that most likely his painful cries related to colic and sent us home. Getting to the farm for Thanksgiving dinner, with good news about our baby, lifted such a heavy weight from our shoulders. 

A few days went by and I still felt he was sick somehow. His cry was too painful for that of a hungry or tired newborn. We then got his urine tested two different times and again we were told there were too many white and red blood cells in his urine. The concern being how young he was and how long he had been fighting an infection, we were having to keep a close eye on him to make sure his eyes were tracking properly and he was eating right. I know there are lots of things that can happen in this world to us mortals, but coming terms with the fact that the baby who grew inside of you may not be ok is really difficult. Postpartum started to sink in for me. 

For many reasons, being that King just became a big brother, that I was occupied with someone else, that we were going to so many doctor and lab offices, and that he was becoming more independent, smart and curious, but that two year old started pushing boundaries that were becoming dangerous. He started walking down the driveway by himself, without telling anyone. That scares the living shit out of me. There's so many trucks and cars that drive around. Granted, they aren't going 20mph but he's so short and quick that I couldn't shake the dangers nor trust those around to keep their eye out. This, and other dangers, came down very hard me, at a time when I really just wanted to be concerned with my new baby. But that's not how it works when you have more kids. Everything doubles; the pains, chances, love, concerns all multiply. 

On the 3rd of December I packed my bag for three days worth of clothes and headed to Waimea hospital with Reign. Blake and King stayed behind on the farm. I was hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I stopped to get some food to bring into the hospital with me in case I was there for a while. I called my dad and talked to him about it all. He's very positive and very real at the same time. Talking to him before we went in was good for me, he reminded me to be strong as a mother and that at times we just need to let western medicine be available to us when we need it. We had tried several other doctors with a home visit and an accupuncturist who had me try to switch up my diet to flush Reign out and work on him so he could be more comfortable. With a few other light body workers helping him, there was improvement, but not enough fast enough, so my mama heart said go in for help. Seeking council with our parents and friends was the motivation and gaudance I needed to make these decisions. 

We were in the ER for nine hours on a Sunday. The doctors and nurses were very kind and took small steps with me. They thought his urine bag from the lab might have been contaminated because of how many numbers of bacteria there were in it, so they wanted a cathider but were hopeful he was ok. We waited. The numbers prior were correct, showing that he was really fighting a bad infection. With that,  they brought the pediatrician down to talk to me about what the next steps look like. He said because his vitals were perfect (no fever, gaining weight, reactive) that he wasn't pushing the lumbar test. But sometimes babies who are fighting infection with a low immune system don't developed fevers. And that he really takes into account what the mama thinks. This was hard for me. Was it my choice to get this test done? I knew that if I walked away without the test, and that he was in so much pain and that he was so young... I couldn't take that risk. He'd be the one suffering for it in the long term. The next hard part was trying to find a vein where they could put the IV for the antibiotics. The NICU nurse needed to come see him and try to get the needle in. They put so much pressure on their little limbs, it's so hard to watch. 

The lumbar test was traumatizing for us both. Luckily he won't remember, but I'll never forget. His cry and they way they had to hold him, my fifteen day old baby. I couldn't watch at first. The nurses and doctor would try to distract me from crying my eyes out in the hallway. Eventually I ran outside to the night's cold air and tried to catch my breath, look at the stars. When I came back in I pulled the curtain aside and he was passed out. They told me to come to be near him, that he probably wanted to smell me. I turned the corner and saw the needle with bright orange spinal fluid dripping out of my tiny little boy. This was too much. I think I broke at this time. 

After that they cleaned him up and took forever to get us into a room for the next few days. We got in there at about 11pm. I was so exhausted. The nurse acted like I needed lectures on how to not let him scratch his face or not to leave him to take a shower. I just about ripped her head off... but like I said, I was exhausted.  They came to check on him every three hours. If he woke in between, we were up then too. They were long days in that hospital room, waiting to hear how he was doing. Blake and Kingston came every day, and though I was glad to see them, it was hard on both of us to manage a wild Kingston and be careful of IV tubes, watch our baby get tests, and even come to terms with what was going on. 

Waiting in the unknown is so difficult. Being a parent with another who is so anti-... I don't even know what to say... anti-western intervention? Afraid of the reality? Wanting to take time to make these decisions, when we don't have time? Having too much faith in a little boy to fight it off naturally? This parenting thing is hard. And it's really hard when you're finding that in the moment, you two may have very different ways of walking down a path like this, you both love your children so much and do want what's best for them, but your willingness to sacrifice your own wishes is on different spectrums. And then to have no time or even energy to rationalize these things together... it all starts to get to be too much. 

At least that's the situation we found ourselves in. It came down hard and I tried, through exhaustion and heartbreak and loneliness, to find an answer to help get us through, whether that be some time off the farm, or renting a spot in Kona to help dry Reign out, or even going back to Colorado for help. Blake was optimistic everything would pass and we'd get throught. I, on the other hand, was not so optimistic. I knew if things continued I'd get deeper into my worries and sadness. Of course that never meant I wasn't grateful for the good things in our lives. Postpartum is hard to explain and I think it effects each woman very personally in their own ways. 

A week after Reign's antibiotics were over I took him to the pediatrician to get another urine sample. He tested positive again. I knew his painful cry had returned so I almost knew he was still fighting it before they told me. He went on another round of antibiotics. The doctors also check up on Mom, see how she's doing, and with a discussion with them and my midwife and acupuncturist, we agreed I couldn't be doing all this with the limited help I had. Don't get me wrong though, the community and friends we are growing in Hawaii were there for me when I needed, bringing me groceries, taking our laundry to the laundromat, letting me take a bath in their bathtub, bringin me soup, watching King. This sounds like a lot, but when you're deep in it, and your other half is working so hard to provide the meals and work hours, the day's require so much more. 

With all these things going on, I decided to reach out for help in getting back to Colorado. Within a matter of four days I had decided it would be best to take a break from Hawaii, the tickets were booked, and my brother, Anthony, arrived. I picked him up from Kona and we had a great beach day at Hapuna then headed to the farm to try to wrap our minds around how to pack up with the two boys. At that time I wasn't sure if I was packing up for a temporary or permanent time. This overwhelmed me. Am I packing up for a few weeks, or am I trying to pack up the cabin and get rid of things? Two nights before we headed to Colorado, Blake and I finally had a long conversation about the situation we were in and what we thought might be best, though very hard. The realities of my wishes to get help finally sank in. Blake decided he needed to stay on the farm to work, so we could have the option to return, or at least until we had answers with Reign. We also thought he could use some time to regroup in his own way. And I would take the boys to be with family and try to get rest and then to get Reign into the doctors. 

We arrived into Denver on Christmas Eve and spent that at my Nana's with my siblings and Dad. Christmas Day we went to Blake's parents' and enjoyed dinner with the cousins and family. The next day we arrived at my brother, Matt's. His family offered for us to recover at their place and it was just what we needed. Stacie is so good with babies. I remember she was the first to bring me preemie clothes when Kingston arrived three weeks early. And this time she was so good with fussy Reign, and they both were very attentive to the changes Kingston had been going through. Stacie's son, Treven, welcomed my wild Kingston by giving up his room and toys and taking him on the trampoline on the mornings to burn off energy. 

We spent two weeks in there home, adjusting, resting and regrouping. Matt let us borrow his car while he was at work, and then my friend Kelsie let us borrow her car for a week so we could get Reign into some appointments. Then with the winter sicknesses going around, I had the opportunity to go to Blake's parents' house so Matt's family could rest and get better without worrying about us, or worrying Reign would get sick. And I'm sure they needed a little break from us. Once we got settled into the Grandparents' it became easier to just stay. Kingston loves to wake them up in the morning for their coffee and his orange juice. And Reign and I both started sleeping much better once we figured out a good schedule. 

I got Reign into a pediatrician and then to the hospital for some more tests. He finally gave a clean urine sample, which was good news but the pediatrican recommended we see some specialists to get more detailed answers. We had those appointments two weeks ago with the urologist and the hematologist for pediatrics. The urologist was happy with his clean sample and the ultrasound results so he said unless Reign contracts more UTI's it was most likely a freak incident. He didn't think it was environmental nor my fault (mamas ask these questions of course.) The bacteria Reign reacted to was straight from his gut, one that he shouldn't have got an infection from. The doctor thought it was more of a random chance situation. The couple of ultrasounds and x-rays he got showed his organs are where they should be and healthy. The hematologist was very thorough and friendly as she went through all of his exams, labs and tests. We talked about family history, including that my side has a Mediterranean anemia condition called Thalassemia, which isn't a big deal, it just can make blood lab numbers look a little off. We compared his lab results from when he was 15 days old to the most recent ones and she wanted to get some more specific blood labs that day. The older and stronger Reign gets, the harder it is to get blood drawn, so these tests are heartbreaking but I know necessary. 

I'm glad we did because the next day she called and discussed where he was at currently. He's  managed to get all his numbers to where they need to be at his age! She felt he didn't have a compromised immune system and that he didn't need more tests! Finally! We are to make sure that if he continues to get infections, then we can do some more tests and see an immune hematology specialist. But until then... he's a healthy three month old! My mama heart is so happy and relieved. I can tell he's feeling better and already reaching the milestones he should be. He got King's cold this last week and though it makes me sad he's sick, I am so relieved that I can worry about him on a normal level, instead of thinking his immune system couldn't fight it on his own. I'm proud of my healthy boy, family and friends for being supportive and caring, and myself for making some tough decisions and getting through all those tests with him. Though I may feel like I am not strong enough for this, I keep proving to myself that I am, and that is good to know. 

I am also more empathetic towards mothers who have a rough time after giving birth, for whatever reasons. It's not that we aren't grateful nor that we aren't in love with our babies. Sometimes the hormones and emotions are too much. I'm thankful I could reach out and express my need for help, even at a cost to our families, inconveniences for places to stay, friends' giving up their cars, and so on. I am with a partner who tries his very best to see the very best in all situations, and for that strength I am so grateful. I am happy he sees the sunshine on a cloudy day. But sometimes we just need more help then we think. Asking for and receiving it, though embarrassing or compromising, is what's pulled me through to the other side. With Reign's clean bill of health, and work being done back in Hawaii to get us to a more family friendly and manageable set up, and all the love we've received, I am in a better spot to be a more present mother and make clearer choices for my two boys. 












Dream Big, Ride Far my Reign Cub, for you are strong and loved.